Infinite Ammo Presents: What To Expect When You’re A Superhero Expecting
Superheroes live a dangerous lifestyle: and capes and tights don’t always work well with pacifiers and diapers. There’s never been a guide to help expecting supermoms and dads balance fighting crime, an alter-ego, and keep their archfoes away while changing diapers and shopping for superstrollers… until now!
With the movie adaptation of the bestselling parenting book series What To Expect When You’re Expecting having debuted, we here at Infinite Ammo thought we’d release a few excerpts of our very own upcoming parenting book, “What to Expect When You’re a Superhero Expecting.”
While many first generation heroes receive their powers at a mature age, most children of superheroes develop some form of their inherited power at an early age. Perhaps the lack of restraint, perhaps the combined genetics of either parent, perhaps circumstance, but very often, super-children—especially super-babies—tend to have vast untapped abilities that even the most powerful parents can’t keep in check.
One big problem also persists in that your greatest enemies will take note of your child’s extraordinary abilities, and seek to use it against you. But statistics show that—for some reason—most children have the right abilities to keep enemies away: be it impregnable force-fields, teleportation, telekinetic powers, and, most typically, vast, reality-warping, world-ending omega-level powers.
Again, we recommend a super-parents’ best sidekick in any situation: preparation for the worst. Parents are encouraged to spend as much time as possible fortifying their home’s defenses, and as much time as possible making sure their child can identify friend from foe, Mommy from professor of chaos. Whether super-powered or not, all children should be taught not to talk to strangers, and if in danger, to blast them into oblivion.
Exemplary Parents: Reed and Sue Richards with Franklin Richards; EVERY SUMMERS FAMILY PROGENY: Nathan Summers (Cable); Nathan Gray (X-Man); Phoenix/Marvel Girl (Rachel Summers/Rachel Gray); Hope Summers (sort of related)
Time Travel 101
No matter what type of hero you are, be it space-faring astro-explorer or grim and gritty night-time vigilante, be prepared for an inevitable introduction to time travel when Junior gets to the age between “so cute!” and “too old to be adorable.” With the advent of the terrible twos comes terrible time-devices, and more than likely your superkid is bound to get swept up—literally and figuratively—by the machinations of would-be temporal dictators.
With overwhelming odds against you, we simply encourage you to embrace the possibility of time-abduction, and prepare wisely. Buy your child clothes of different seasons and fashions; you never know where they’re going to go (though statistics often point to horrible dystopian futures with dangerous aliens, killer robots, and demons everywhere).
Point is, be prepared to make your child prepared! Accessorize them in the most fashionable—and practical—force fields, armor, and time-lost trustworhty guardians who have nothing better to do than to raise your kid, so you don’t have to! Just be prepared to trade their crib for a full-sized underground chamber, complete with an armory and enough angst for their brooding needs.
**Rip Hunter says!
The future is always uncertain, but 9 times out of 10, they’re going to suck. That’s why we recommend sturdy clothes and/or impenetrable armor. Might be a little heavy, probably not doctor-approved: but what the hell, those doctors won’t even exist where—when—your tot is going, so who cares!
Note: While time travel is the most prevalent cause of temporal child lost, parents need also beware alternate realities and timeless limbos. Different method, same effect!**
Famous Families: Nathan Summers (Cable) and parents Scott Summers (Cyclops) and Jean Grey (by proxy of Madelyne Pryor, the real mother/her clone); Valeria Richards and parents Reed and Sue Richards (Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman of the Fantastic Four, respectively); Hope Summers and guardian Nathan Summers (Cable), by mission of Scott Summers (Cyclops); Clark Kent and Lois Lane with adopted Christopher Kent (into the Phantom Zone).
1 to 10 In Ten Seconds: Dealing With Rapid Aging Syndrome
What This Means For You:
Are you a glass half-empty, or half-full kind of parent? While some see this as some sort of burden, we prefer to encourage the positive light of things.
Consider this: kids can be a handful. It can be a huge obstacle for parents—especially superpowered ones—to balance life with child-rearing. The world’s dangerous! And to have to deal with reality warping temper tantrums, well, give me kryptonite anyday, I say! But then, surprise! Your previously helpless tot has just been aged to pre-adolesence and can now not only take care of themselves, but can perhaps even aid Mom and Pop in the battle against evil.
But wait, isn’t there a problem? My 2 year old kid’s in the body of a 12 year old!
Parents need not be concerned despite the ominous signs. Yes, children suffering from a streamlined childhood may suffer from being mentally unbalanced, suffering a total lack of social understanding, and having the mentality of a toddler in the body of a teen. But there is a way to overcome this: preparation.
**Project Cadmus Recommendations:
If your child has telepathic talents or is an information-absorbing sponge, more likely than not they will make up for their intellectual short comings fairly fast, if not their social aptitudes. Otherwise parents are advised to invest in Virtual Reality or Telepathic interfaces, where VR environments can allow your child to conveniently live the years they’ve missed in a matter of days. Maybe even hours. The lesson here is that there are options.**
Parents may worry that their children have lost precious years of their lives, but when you think about it, it’s only a handful of years. Plus, once they get out their first word, first walk, and first superpowered zAp!, there’s not much you’re missing out on anyway, right?
**Wally West’s Flash Facts:
This syndrome is particular abundant in superspeed parents. Parents are encouraged to use all of their superspeed, super-thinking, and super-patience to deal with this rather challenging symptom.**
Exemplary Parents: Barry Allen’s grandson Bart Allen; Wally West and Linda Park over the Tornado Twins II (Iris and Jai West).
Invest in a Super-Pet
This may be scary to imagine, but your super-child will constantly be in danger. Once your foes know about your child, they are ten times more likely to attempt child abduction in order to use your child against you, for ransom or protection. But, don’t fret: if your child isn’t the host of unimaginable power (SEE CHAPTER 4: Dynamite Diapers), then we encourage another solution: a Super Companion.
According to recent studies, a super pet/alien/robot sidekick may be the best kidnapping deterrent for would-be abductors. Nurturing the relationship between your child and their companion means that, no matter the odds, their sidekick will always be willing to get your child to safety and prevent harm even when you’re not available to do so yourself. And, let’s face it, you probably won’t be! The Kent Center for Super Pets has gathered evidence on dozens of cases where super-animals have even been able to help super-parents in a pinch.
Although super-monkeys have the most publicity in the hero world (from Space Ghost’s sidekicks Jan and Jace’s Blip to Wonder Twins’ Zan and Jayna’s Gleek) they’re far from the only pet-sidekicks to ever go on an adventure protecting children in the place of inappropriately negligent family heroes. At the Super Pet Store, parents can get everything from Detective Hounds to Cosmic Canines, Super Cats to Super Horses, friendly demons and familiars, and more. They know the difference between space dinosaur Herculoids and prehistoric Devil Dinosaurs, and once a month give discounts on loud, ineffectual robots who shout “Danger” to ward off troublesome enemies and cowardly old men.**
Exemplary Parents: EVERY PARENT AND KID
Pretending Like It Never Happened
Lots of times so many insane things happen in the super-life that it’s amazing super-parents aren’t nervous wrecks about the day to day dangers they and their children face. That’s why we recommend an easy, stress-free solution that has aided even the most emotionally devastated parents in hero history:
Pretend it never happened.
Just yesterday your baby boy was barely a month old, and now he’s nearly three decades your senior? Whatever. Now you two can shave and share dirty stories.
Two weeks ago your kid turned into a monster and devoured half the city? Meh, he was just throwing a tantrum, he didn’t mean it. Plus, who cared about that old building anyway? I’m sure the authorities got to evacuate all of the tenets before he burned it down with his dragon breath.
RIGHT THIS MINUTE your kid has disappeared and you have NO IDEA where your baby girl is in time or space? Well, they have to learn about responsibility sometime, right? Sure, you miss him, but he’ll show up eventually.
Point is, superheroes have enough to be worried about, and weird shit happens all the time. Your job as a hero is not to stress it: just like how evil occasionally takes over the universe and remakes it into the face of utter despair, we all know that in the end, everything will be alright.
And if it turns out your kid is that god of chaos rearranging the universe into his own playpen? Well, family reunions are never easy, so GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOUR KID.
Exemplary Parents: Cyclops and Jean Grey over Nathan Summers (Cable); Superman and Lois Lane over Christopher Kent