Now, one year later, we’ve written 152 articles on everything from the best Nerd Hangout to find in New York to the Best Games You’ve Never Played. We’ve done Reviews on just about every major Game, Movie, Comic or Novel out there, and even threw in a few on Music and TV. We’ve explored the Net and added our own Originals to it, and we’ve even thrown in some Humor & Satire while we were at it. We, in our eyes, were Superheroes of Pen and Paper (and Keyboard) who tirelessly pushed on even when our daytime alter-egos were busy from the monotony of life. But through the struggles, the frustrations, and the exhaustion, the one thing that kept us moving was that we loved our craft, we loved our subjects, we loved to write. And we still do.

With all that said, our war here is done. We started as grunts, taking our bumps and learning the ropes. And to a certain degree, we’re still grunts, still learning. But we feel it’s time to hang up our guns here and move onto places where we can do more, write more, contribute more than our resources make available here. Some of us will take our writing into greener pastures, writing for more established sites; some of us will take our writing into more creative endeavors, which hopefully you’ll see soon; some of us may leave writing altogether, for the time being. But no matter where we go next, we thank you for having been with us on the ride, whether you’re just seeing the site for the first time now, or have kept up with us for weeks, months, or the full year.

We encourage you to follow us on our individual blogs and twitter feeds, and support us wherever we go. It’s been a fun, crazy ride, and as corny as it sounds, Infinite Ammo will be a part of us as we go, as it helped us shape where we want to be–perhaps a year from now–as writers.

Once again, from all of Infinite Ammo, thank you.

–Chaos Mechanica and Louis Santiago

It’s been a long, long (loooooong) way coming, but Sorcery is finally here. And there’s probably no reviewer who’s been looking as forward to this game more than I have. Even during one of last year’s Infinite Ammo’s roundtables on Motion Gaming, my one lasting hope was that–after Skyward Sword–Sorcery would come out, rock hard on the PS3, and show the world a good hardcore game can be done with motion controls.

Turns out I was both wrong and right.

Presentation

Sorcery is the story about a young sorcerer’s apprentice named Finn who just can’t keep his hands off his master Dash’s wand. And hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. When Dash is out and about at the market or fighting trolls, Finn is doing chores, getting berated by Dash’s feline familiar, Erline, and sneaking into Dash’s study to steal another wand to practice magic with.

But after some arcane tomfoolery causes Finn to lose one of Dash’s precious ingredients, Finn and Erline set out on a quest to recover it. A run-in with some particularly dangerous undead fiends draws the attention of the Nightmare Queen, a dangerous threat to the peace and tranquility of the human and faerie realms. And it becomes Finn’s duty to stop her.

The story of Sorcery is told with some in-game rendered cutscenes, but mostly the ever-popular motion comic. The story and the dialogue of Finn and Erline is both engaging and fun enough to drive players on, with a few plot twists to spare. But overall, two things break the presentation. The first is that most interesting aspects of the story come so early or late in the game that it’s easy to forget that you’re not just running down yet another linear path to fight more goblins, but also trying to save a world from an evil sorceress. The second is that the emotion of the game falls a little flat when looking at a halfway decent motion comic instead of a full-rendered cutscene.

All in all, it’s an intriguing world with a few good characters, but the the lack of exploration, the lack of a larger supporting cast, and the brevity of the story give far too little to make players want to know or see more of this world.

But story wasn’t what most people were waiting for. The question on everyone’s mind is simple: do the controls work?

Read on.

The Gameplay

During the course of the game, Finn will eventually control the power of 5 spells: Arcane Bolt, Earth Strike, Ice, Fire, and Lightning. Each spell has a “Fire/Alt. Fire” option, meaning each spell can be used in two ways. Arcane Bolt, for example, can be fired straight on or curved around corners (think Wanted and “Curving the Bullet”); Fire can be used sort of like a shotgun blast for up-close enemies, or can be dragged along a line to create a defensive wall of flame. Some are more useful than others; some are flat-out useless (I’m looking at you, Earth Strike). There’s also a Shield spell that comes with a Shield Bash move (think Sports Champions) that comes in handy.

The most interesting concept for the controls is experimenting with the spells. Mixing and matching spells can have different results, and I found this to be at times very engaging, and at others severely lacking. Early on before unlocking the Fire spell, there’s clever level design that demands you coordinate your Arcane Bolt spell with campfires flames to take out enemies. Another spot is designed to use your Bolt with campfire flames and wind tunnels to make fire-nados. When you unlock all of your spells, you can then do everything you want at your own pace. But there’s a limitation of experimentation that takes away from the–forgive me for this–magic of the game, especially when you realize that there’s not much creativity you can apply in generating new spells. With the lack of any real puzzles (everything is incredibly elementary) it makes fooling around with your wand less fun.

More frustrating are the wand motions for changing your spells with gestures. Trying to switch spells in the heat of a dire moment becomes as much of a chore as having to flick your wrist a million times a second to shoot spells. I found that certain spells often get confused while switching since their gestures are nearly identical, and then there are times when gestures were just completely off. It’s these tiring moments of gesture confusion and that constant flicking motion that made me appreciate how short the campaign is.

In some battles your fight is not with the enemy, but the Auto-Aim. It certainly helps since this is a “hardcore game” on a motion controller without a traditional camera control scheme. And the Auto-Aim doesn’t hold your hand much, only centering your camera on new enemies. But during a few fights it tries to center on new enemies before old ones are dispatched, especially in boss fights that use multiple enemies. Boss battles often demand a certain precision and speed (especially in the upper difficulties where enemies regenerate incredibly fast) and to have to struggle with who you’re attacking can waste precious seconds that make the difference between life and death. Far too many times this happens towards the end, and it gets even more frustrating when you’re trying to figure out how to conquer an enemy and conquer the controls.

I should also mention that there’s an alchemy mini-game that faces the same issues as the rest of the game: it has its fun, intuitive simplicity, but can get tedious after a while.

The Final Word

A few years ago, Sorcery was introduced, and it set out to prove to the world that motion controls can be more than just an alternate control method–that hardcore games can be built from the ground up with motion in mind. While Sorcery doesn’t completely knock the argument out of the park, it certainly does state its case fairly well. Despite all of my gripes, Sorcery has a lot of potential. Having followed developer The Workshop for the last few years, it’s easy to see that they put a lot of heart into this game, but may not have had all the resources needed to make it what it deserved to be. Now that the foundation has been set, hopefully it can be easier to build upon what’s been made, learn from its mistakes, and make a Sorcery sequel the way Sorcery should have been made.

Sorcery is something special, but it’s just a few ingredients short of a full potion. With a few adjustments to the recipe, a little more components, and more time to brew, this could be the game we need–a game that can wow the world with motion controls. But for now this is just an average game that leaves you thirsty for something more.

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I give Sorcery

3

Arcane Bolts

out of 5

For all of those reasons, when I stopped by Forbidden Planet the other day for my weekly comic splurge, I stopped the moment I saw a new title and “Brian K. Vaughan” on the same cover. Without even cracking the cover on the first issue, I bought the first three. Of course, I wasn’t really sure if I’d be disappointed or not because I really had no idea what to expect from Saga. 

What did I get? Also not what I expected. Repeatedly not what I expected. In a really good way.

The Premise

Two soldiers from opposite sides of an interplanetary war fall in love and run away together (hold the expected mush, btw; Saga definitely isn’t a romance novel). We join them just as their daughter is born, at which point both sides of the war amp up their attempts to capture the pair. Really, it’s that simple.

What Makes It Awesome

But the setting, races, characters involved in the plot, and the appropriately detailed and insouciant art of Fiona Staples are what make it as fun as it is.

The worlds of Saga are both surprisingly over the top and intelligently tame; the overall structure of the universe is a lot like our own (so that characters still talk about things like phone signals [instead of, I dunno, communi-dial hyper-contact waves or something] and trains [instead of giant transport insects]). But all of those elements have surreal twists; phone’s aren’t so much for physical dialing as they are things often off-screen that you can order to call whoever. And trains will just look like Chinese dragons. The true marker of these twists? They’re mostly inexplicable.

There are lots of moments that could embody the spirit of Saga. For me, this is definitely it.

As are (at least at this point) the robots (a race of humanoids with televisions for heads who also live under a monarchy [complete with English livery]) and Lying Cat, the companion of a bounty hunter side character, The Will. And yes, Lying Cat is a cat. A giant cat. Who can tell instantly if people are lying. And reveals when someone is with a creepy hiss of “LYING.” … Lying Cat is probably my favorite character (in no small part because of how incredible freaky Staples manages to make it look).

Not to say that all of the other characters are lackluster because they’re anything but; while so many of the elements of Saga are outrageous and inexplicable, they are so largely because they can be. Ultimately, you won’t care why the trains on the planet Cleave look like dragons. You also won’t care why the robots look exactly like humans expect for their TV heads. You won’t care about any of this because what really matters and draws your attention is the great cast of characters. From the chemistry of magic-wielding pacifist Marko and gun-toting, risk-taking Alana (the two defectors and new parents) to The Will and Lying Cat, the cast of characters in this series is incredibly fun and ridiculously charming. If A Song of Ice and Fire could make you like nearly every character by making you relate to them in a grim, serious way, Saga does the same thing in an irreverent, fun way, so that you wind up liking the story’s villains (Prince Robot IV and The Stalk) almost as quickly as you like Marko and Alana. And with the addition of Isabel in issue 3, hints of a possible final cast for this adventure starts to take shape, giving (me at least) an idea of how endearing this series can become.

The Verdict

If I had to summarize Saga, I’d say it’s immediately a series with soul. I’d also say that it’s something like the thematic love child of The 5th Element and anything by Neil Gaiman.

I’d also tell you you should really Buy It.

With the movie adaptation of the bestselling parenting book series What To Expect When You’re Expecting having debuted, we here at Infinite Ammo thought we’d release a few excerpts of our very own upcoming parenting book, “What to Expect When You’re a Superhero Expecting.”

Enjoy!

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Chapter 4:

Dynamite Diapers

While many first generation heroes receive their powers at a mature age, most children of superheroes develop some form of their inherited power at an early age. Perhaps the lack of restraint, perhaps the combined genetics of either parent, perhaps circumstance, but very often, super-children—especially super-babies—tend to have vast untapped abilities that even the most powerful parents can’t keep in check.

One big problem also persists in that your greatest enemies will take note of your child’s extraordinary abilities, and seek to use it against you. But statistics show that—for some reason—most children have the right abilities to keep enemies away: be it impregnable force-fields, teleportation, telekinetic powers, and, most typically, vast, reality-warping, world-ending omega-level powers.

Again, we recommend a super-parents’ best sidekick in any situation: preparation for the worst. Parents are encouraged to spend as much time as possible fortifying their home’s defenses, and as much time as possible making sure their child can identify friend from foe, Mommy from professor of chaos. Whether super-powered or not, all children should be taught not to talk to strangers, and if in danger, to blast them into oblivion.

Exemplary Parents: Reed and Sue Richards with Franklin Richards; EVERY SUMMERS FAMILY PROGENY: Nathan Summers (Cable); Nathan Gray (X-Man); Phoenix/Marvel Girl (Rachel Summers/Rachel Gray); Hope Summers (sort of related)

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Chapter 8:

Time Travel 101

No matter what type of hero you are, be it space-faring astro-explorer or grim and gritty night-time vigilante, be prepared for an inevitable introduction to time travel when Junior gets to the age between “so cute!” and “too old to be adorable.” With the advent of the terrible twos comes terrible time-devices, and more than likely your superkid is bound to get swept up—literally and figuratively—by the machinations of would-be temporal dictators.

With overwhelming odds against you, we simply encourage you to embrace the possibility of time-abduction, and prepare wisely. Buy your child clothes of different seasons and fashions; you never know where they’re going to go (though statistics often point to horrible dystopian futures with dangerous aliens, killer robots, and demons everywhere).

Point is, be prepared to make your child prepared! Accessorize them in the most fashionable—and practical—force fields, armor, and time-lost trustworhty guardians who have nothing better to do than to raise your kid, so you don’t have to! Just be prepared to trade their crib for a full-sized underground chamber, complete with an armory and enough angst for their brooding needs.

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**Rip Hunter says!

The future is always uncertain, but 9 times out of 10, they’re going to suck. That’s why we recommend sturdy clothes and/or impenetrable armor. Might be a little heavy, probably not doctor-approved: but what the hell, those doctors won’t even exist where—when—your tot is going, so who cares!

Note: While time travel is the most prevalent cause of temporal child lost, parents need also beware alternate realities and timeless limbos. Different method, same effect!**
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Famous Families: Nathan Summers (Cable) and parents Scott Summers (Cyclops) and Jean Grey (by proxy of Madelyne Pryor, the real mother/her clone); Valeria Richards and parents Reed and Sue Richards (Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman of the Fantastic Four, respectively); Hope Summers and guardian Nathan Summers (Cable), by mission of Scott Summers (Cyclops); Clark Kent and Lois Lane with adopted Christopher Kent (into the Phantom Zone).

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Chapter 10:

1 to 10 In Ten Seconds: Dealing With Rapid Aging Syndrome

In the event that your child is not kidnapped or voluntarily sent to the future (see Chapter 8), it seems hugely possible that they will be rapidly aged through other means.

What This Means For You:

Are you a glass half-empty, or half-full kind of parent? While some see this as some sort of burden, we prefer to encourage the positive light of things.

Consider this: kids can be a handful. It can be a huge obstacle for parents—especially superpowered ones—to balance life with child-rearing. The world’s dangerous! And to have to deal with reality warping temper tantrums, well, give me kryptonite anyday, I say! But then, surprise! Your previously helpless tot has just been aged to pre-adolesence and can now not only take care of themselves, but can perhaps even aid Mom and Pop in the battle against evil.

But wait, isn’t there a problem? My 2 year old kid’s in the body of a 12 year old!

Parents need not be concerned despite the ominous signs. Yes, children suffering from a streamlined childhood may suffer from being mentally unbalanced, suffering a total lack of social understanding, and having the mentality of a toddler in the body of a teen. But there is a way to overcome this: preparation.

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**Project Cadmus Recommendations:

If your child has telepathic talents or is an information-absorbing sponge, more likely than not they will make up for their intellectual short comings fairly fast, if not their social aptitudes. Otherwise parents are advised to invest in Virtual Reality or Telepathic interfaces, where VR environments can allow your child to conveniently live the years they’ve missed in a matter of days. Maybe even hours. The lesson here is that there are options.**
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Parents may worry that their children have lost precious years of their lives, but when you think about it, it’s only a handful of years. Plus, once they get out their first word, first walk, and first superpowered zAp!, there’s not much you’re missing out on anyway, right?

**Wally West’s Flash Facts:

This syndrome is particular abundant in superspeed parents. Parents are encouraged to use all of their superspeed, super-thinking, and super-patience to deal with this rather challenging symptom.**

Exemplary Parents: Barry Allen’s grandson Bart Allen; Wally West and Linda Park over the Tornado Twins II (Iris and Jai West).

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Chapter 15:

Invest in a Super-Pet

This may be scary to imagine, but your super-child will constantly be in danger. Once your foes know about your child, they are ten times more likely to attempt child abduction in order to use your child against you, for ransom or protection. But, don’t fret: if your child isn’t the host of unimaginable power (SEE CHAPTER 4: Dynamite Diapers), then we encourage another solution: a Super Companion.

According to recent studies, a super pet/alien/robot sidekick may be the best kidnapping deterrent for would-be abductors. Nurturing the relationship between your child and their companion means that, no matter the odds, their sidekick will always be willing to get your child to safety and prevent harm even when you’re not available to do so yourself. And, let’s face it, you probably won’t be! The Kent Center for Super Pets has gathered evidence on dozens of cases where super-animals have even been able to help super-parents in a pinch.

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**Stanley & His Monster’s Super Pet Store!

Although super-monkeys have the most publicity in the hero world (from Space Ghost’s sidekicks Jan and Jace’s Blip to Wonder Twins’ Zan and Jayna’s Gleek) they’re far from the only pet-sidekicks to ever go on an adventure protecting children in the place of inappropriately negligent family heroes. At the Super Pet Store, parents can get everything from Detective Hounds to Cosmic Canines, Super Cats to Super Horses, friendly demons and familiars, and more. They know the difference between space dinosaur Herculoids and prehistoric Devil Dinosaurs, and once a month give discounts on loud, ineffectual robots who shout “Danger” to ward off troublesome enemies and cowardly old men.**
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Exemplary Parents: EVERY PARENT AND KID

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Chapter 22:

Pretending Like It Never Happened

Lots of times so many insane things happen in the super-life that it’s amazing super-parents aren’t nervous wrecks about the day to day dangers they and their children face. That’s why we recommend an easy, stress-free solution that has aided even the most emotionally devastated parents in hero history:

Pretend it never happened.

Just yesterday your baby boy was barely a month old, and now he’s nearly three decades your senior? Whatever. Now you two can shave and share dirty stories.

Two weeks ago your kid turned into a monster and devoured half the city? Meh, he was just throwing a tantrum, he didn’t mean it. Plus, who cared about that old building anyway? I’m sure the authorities got to evacuate all of the tenets before he burned it down with his dragon breath.

RIGHT THIS MINUTE your kid has disappeared and you have NO IDEA where your baby girl is in time or space? Well, they have to learn about responsibility sometime, right? Sure, you miss him, but he’ll show up eventually.

Probably.

Point is, superheroes have enough to be worried about, and weird shit happens all the time. Your job as a hero is not to stress it: just like how evil occasionally takes over the universe and remakes it into the face of utter despair, we all know that in the end, everything will be alright.

And if it turns out your kid is that god of chaos rearranging the universe into his own playpen? Well, family reunions are never easy, so GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO TALK SOME SENSE INTO YOUR KID.

Exemplary Parents: Cyclops and Jean Grey over Nathan Summers (Cable); Superman and Lois Lane over Christopher Kent

And to those reviewers themselves, if any should find their way here, play Sonic the Hedgehog again. Tell me how long it takes you to get to Marble Hill Zone and then tell me how far you can run in that—the second Zone of the first installment in the series—before you hit an obstacle that forces you to stop and control your speed. Then tell me whether Sonic games are about holding down right on the controller for your “unadulterated speed” or a smarter play on that speed mixed with platforming. Also, tell me how Running Right: The Video Game would actually work and how you’d sell it.

The Review Itself: It feels certain that Sonic Generations turned a few lights on upstairs at SEGA; no doubt many people who had previously been content to weasel fans out of their money with messes like Sonic and the Black Knight suddenly realized that there was much, much more money to be made from doing the Fastest Thing Alive justice. The result, in my mind, was a bunch of suits at SEGA finally greenlighting Episode II by throwing sacks of money at the team responsible for Episode I and ordering them to “do the Fastest Thing Alive justice.”

Because, at the very least, that’s what we got here. Through and through, Episode II is a very solid Sonic the Hedgehog game that goes right back to Sonic’s first installments and provides an experience very, very (lovingly) reminiscent of them. It’s also a good, fun sequel—a definite improvement over Episode 1 in just about every way. There are, unfortunately, elements that really hold it back.

What It Does Right

Hands Down the Best 2D Sonic Graphics - From the get-go, anyone with eyes could see that Episode II really delivers on the graphics. Actually playing the game only serves to highlight that point, and it becomes clear that the graphics here probably even surpass the 2D portions of Generations. Don’t quote me on it, but with dynamic lighting effects (sunlight will actually pass through rings realistically), rich textures, bright colors, and backgrounds that are overall complex and lively but never overly distracting, I can admit that I was a lot more impressed by Episode II’s graphics than I have been by any 2D Sonic experience in a long time.

I mean, seriously, you’re thinking, “That’s pretty,” and yeah, but you’re not getting the full idea of the attention to detail here until you look at the waterfall on the right and the wave effect it creates. That’s the kind of effort that went into the look of this game.

The Return of Metal Sonic (and the Silent, Cinematic Exchanges of Sonic CD and Sonic 3 & Knuckles) - As a series fan, I’m naturally pleased by the return of Genesis / Super Nintendo era silent cinematics. I’m sure these featured in Episode I in some way I’m forgetting, but it’s nice to get a lot of it ending the Zones and padding the story in Episode II, creating dialog and personality for all of the characters without any of them speaking. Considering the average result of voice acting in any game, and considering that there isn’t enough story here to require more than nods and waves, it feels like the best choice, a solid source of nostalgia, and a definite boon for the game.

Really Great, Imaginative Gameplay - Despite popular belief, Sonic the Hedgehog has always been about controlling your speed; you use it when you can and when it helps, but there are lots of times when you have to slow down and pick your way past an obstacle or around a tough enemy.

Episode II is based on that concept, but obstacles here are more imaginative than they have been for some time. From perspective changes to enemies that can close off your route of progression if you don’t make it past them quickly enough, the ideas here are surprisingly fresh and fun.

And the new team moves, activated by hitting the ‘X’ button, although initially forgettable and at times forced, ultimately result in some pretty spectacular saves in co-op mode (either character can jump and hit ‘X’ to call their partner over from the depths of whatever pit). And in the case of the ability to fly for a short duration whenever you want, the moves also bring something new and welcome to the single player campaign instead of hampering it.

Sweet, Completely New and Interesting Boss Battles - For a long time fan, one of the best things about Episode II was its endeavor to give us new bosses for every Zone. If you were hoping once again for a bunch of rehashes on old Robotnik battles, you won’t get them here (a point SEGA actually makes at the very end of the first Zone).

Aside from just being new though, most bosses are also wildly creative; one pits Sonic against a boss in a setting completely new for such an encounter, and the last boss is almost so inventive and mind-blowing that it’ll make your nose bleed. While there is the definite dud that seems a bit like something from Sonic CD (not the inevitable race against Metal Sonic [which was absolutely awesome]) you can expect to be engaged here instead of made to simply go through all too familiar motions once again.

What It Does Wrong

When you or your partner fall off screen, you go into ghost mode and get drawn to the other player. Pressing ‘A’ removes you from ghost mode. It allows for some saves and incredible amounts of laziness. And overall, it’s just kind of awkward.

Co-op Could Use Some Fine Tuning - Although I enjoy the exploits involved in co-op as it is (it’s incredibly easy to keep someone from dying, even when they fall in a pit), the single screen dynamic of it ultimately left us scratching our heads. While I can see why they would lock two players onto one screen in a Sonic game (the reason being we would separate and it would be absolutely impossible to find each other again), the screen lock is ultimately reminiscent of the franchise’s darkest hour (Knuckles Chaotix) and the biggest problem with co-op play. While sharing rings and lives may add to the mess for you, my major gripe is that I couldn’t get lost and do my own thing. I would’ve been content with the option to turn off screen lock (and I suppose team moves unless we’re close to each other). It would have made the game more difficult in a lot of ways but also far, far less awkward. And in the end, it would’ve played as a welcome, alternate mode (because how would a Versus mode, in the style of Sonic 2, not fit in here?).

Suffice it to say, if you were really looking forward to the co-op, you might want to check out a demo first.

Some of the Worst Sonic Music I’ve Ever Heard - Although I definitely didn’t hate the entire soundtrack (there are a few tunes in here that I absolutely loved) a good portion of them were bad enough that they pop into my mind on occasion when I think about Episode II’s music (the way good, catchy tunes are supposed to). In particular, White Park: Act I actually made me shout “Oh my God,” into my headset, to which Darth Healthcare’s reply was, “Yeeeeeah.”

Non-Skippable Cinematics - Although the bosses are great, somehow, no one decided to make their intros skippable. In some cases, this doesn’t mean anything. In others, it means waiting a full minute for an intro you’ve seen a ton of times (we are talking about later bosses) before you get to the actual fighting. This is further hampered by a lack of boss checkpoints, meaning that if you die near the end of the second to last boss battle (in particular) you’re in for another minute or two of waiting through cinematics before engaging in another 10 minute long attempt at victory. Considering that it seems like industry standard to cut boss intros after the first try, these pace-destroying, soul-leeching moments really leave you wondering what minds made the wrong call.

The Final Word

While there are more pros here than cons for me, I’m still somehow unsure how to rate this game. I did enjoy it a lot, but I was sure I knew exactly how I would enjoy it via co-op and I was wrong. The game will last you several hours (more if you’re out for collectibles) but I’m more eager to get back to Minecraft than tour the Acts again looking for Red Star Rings.

So, why? If I liked so much about it, why am I so indifferent to it?

In the end, it boils down to the last Zone. Definitely the best moment in the entire experience for me, it took about 2 seconds for it to blow my mind.

Unfortunately, it was only one Act long.

I was also looking forward to Episode Metal, which was nice, only it only lasted a full 15 minutes.

If you already love Sonic the Hedgehog, this game will be worth the price.

If not, just know that the awe is almost completely balanced by the “Aw man!”

You don’t stop.

Not like a “This is a good stopping point… but I guess I could always do this” kind of not stopping, but a “Wait… Wasn’t it just daytime?” kind of not stopping.

And if you consider that that’s what games are supposed to do—make you keep playing by being that fun and addictive—then Minecraft is a huge success; it’s like a living mini-game with a batch of other mini-games rolled up inside of it. Can you build a house and survive the night, when all the monsters come out? Can you find caves full of minerals? Can you make it back out of those caves before monsters kill you? Can you make an awesome mine cart track with those materials? Like the best sandbox games, Minecraft snowballs lots of gameplay elements into one, making for an extremely addictive experience.

Possibly… too addictive. So addictive that you need to be warned.

What to Look Out For

You’re walking in public and you see a circular swimming pool. You frown. You continue along, however, and see a nice, square building made out of bricks and you smile. At right then, your brain files that building under “Things that Make Sense.”

That’s just a facet of a particular brand of Minecraft addiction called Minecraft Defeated Reality Syndrome (or MDRS). MDRS is the disappointment you know you’ll experience if you go down to the park, shovel out a portion of dirt and find that it isn’t a perfect square.

Or that wolves probably wouldn’t just follow you if you threw them bones.

Chicken? Duck? Let’s just settle on “freaking adorable.”

Or that chickens aren’t actually super-cute, duck-looking little guys.

Or that pumpkins don’t naturally come with faces already carved into them.

Or that (and this is my favorite aspect of MDRS) that at night, the world won’t become overrun with monsters for you to kill.

If you experience disappointment in any of these areas, it’s natural; there’s something in the game’s makeup that makes you wish life was as simple (even if its as simple as “There are monsters at night that are pretty easy to kill). And really, that’s part of what games are supposed to do—be a way to escape the complications of life for a while (like lots of entertainment). As a guy who loves to travel but gets to do it very rarely, Minecraft takes it to the next level though by providing a huge world to explore with rolling hills, a huge, blue sky, mysterious caverns, and a soundtrack that speaks of the wonder of all of those places. For you, it may be the simplicity of finding a nice place and just building a house you love in a half hour—or some other kind of gratification that would demand years in real life. The point is, whatever gets you, it’s understandable; Minecraft is amazing and there’s nothing wrong with having lots of fun in it.

If, however, it’s been so long that you’re no longer sure if the sun is actually square or if you’re intending to take an ax to the floorboards of you living room with the intent of taking them to the beach, burrowing into the sand, and then making them into a roof, you should really, really reconsider.

At the very least, reconsider until Japan makes everything into blocks.

Oooh! Oooh! Do the moon next!

Things to Do in Minecraft When You’re Not at All Looking Out For the Signs of MDRS

Water Bucket Olympics - A buddy of mine is building an epic, underground city of serious scope. There are sculptures and pillars encasing lava behind glass to create lava sculptures—all kinds of madness. My favorite part though? The mile of stairs that lead down into the city. Why? Because I like water slides.

Fill a bucket with water, take it to the top of a wide staircase, and pour it down. It will slinky its way to the bottom and (if you form a bowl at the bottom of the structure (like my friend did) the water will pool there but never overflow. You’re then at your leisure to slide down to the bottom over and over (although I usually just pour the water out, recollect the source, and ride the ever expanding hydro snake to the very bottom.

More fun and more useful by far is the Water Elevator. Up really high? Have a bucket of water? Pour the source block at the edge of the structure, recollect it, and then ride the slowly diminishing water pillar down to ground level once again for zero damage.

Last thing, and people must know this (probably all of this) but I enjoy writing about it—Bucket Breathing. Want to explore the deep seas? Have buckets? Bring them with you and when you’re low on breath, stop moving and Collect a bucket full with left trigger. And just like that, you’ve got a momentary block of air that gives you back all of your bubbles.

Lava Sculptures - I mean, does this really even need explaining? Lava won’t burn most blocks, so if you, say, hollow out part of a beach and pour some in, maybe on the beach right across from your friend’s house so that he can’t miss it but say absolutely nothing about it?

Fun.

Also, using lava with glass, you can create things like, perhaps, you can put the “face” in “edifice” (I know. Just roll with it, please).

Adventure Time - Naturally, you’re going to get caught up with whatever crazy project, but if you’re playing with friends (and really, you should be) nothing’s better for breaking the pace than gathering survival gear, hopping into boats, sailing as far as you can in one direction and exploring.

For best results, designate character classes (Fighter, Archer, etc.) although you’ll have to include game specific ones (like… I dunno… Pathfinder?). Also useful? Designating goals (i.e. “the Quest for Snow,” “the Quest for Clay” or whatever).

Something to Not Do in Minecraft (Seriously)

Don’t be a creeper.

No, I don’t mean the in-game creepers. I mean real life creepers. You know how Minecraft mirrors reality juuuuuust enough that you wind up really loving your home? Well, it also mirrors reality enough that it’s insanely creepy when someone says, “I’ve been hopping into your world all week and hiding from / watching you! You didn’t notice?”

No. I didn’t know you were watching me… for a week. <shudder>

For the record, this has actually happened to me. Granted, it wasn’t just one guy being a crazy Gollum on his own; his girlfriend (Mrs. Gollum or perhaps She-Gollum) was with him (and man, are they perfect for each other or what?). Regardless though, hearing that is exactly like suddenly finding a video camera in your bathroom or one trained on your bedroom window; in short, there are so many levels of real-life creepy involved that it’s enough to damage the experience. Happily building away on an open world so your friends can hop on at will and build their own stuff, resulting in a city totally turns into walking around and cleaning up all of your own personal Ratman’s messes. In my case, it was a bunch of trees, some broken windows, and the creepiest house in the world, which, via a series of incredibly deep and claustrophobic tunnels, led right into some of my own structures. Yep. “Terrifying” defined.

There’s nothing at all wrong with hopping into someone’s game. There’s nothing at all wrong with saying, “I’m actually going to start building on the other side of the map so you may not see me.” There’s nothing wrong with hopping in, saying hello, and not even talking about what you’re doing.

However, there’s always something wrong with going for super creep.

Regardless, Something to Do Immediately in Real Life

Buy Minecraft. And set it to Invite Only.

That’s why Chaos Mechanica decided to share his answers and start us on the Road to Avengers 2:

I want to keep in mind a few things that have been said by or rumored about Marvel Studios head honcho Kevin Feige and his crew. The Marvel Filmverse, as we know, is an interconnected web, bridged beforehand by particular characters like Coulsen and Nick Fury, and officially in the recent and wildly successful Avengers. Feige has detailed the movies as “Storyarcs,” with each round of movies culminating in an Avengers movie ending out that arc.

As Louis’ recent review pointed out, this is not unlike a series of comic storylines that come together during a big comic crossover event, bringing all of the various plot points to a head in one giant event full of action and (hopefully) good scripting. As such, part of my ideas will stem from the plot of the previous interconnected Marvel films and the whole crossover convention.

Iron Man 3

As Marvel’s flagship title, there’s no doubt that this movie will have some kind of major hint or major cameo for the future films. With rumors that Iron Man 3 is based on the “Extremis” storyline, things could… evolve, to much higher levels than ever before.

Although the first Iron Man film started off lightly based in the real world (as far as Tony’s powers being entirely technologically based), it would have been odd to escalate his stories to anything beyond “normal” before Avengers. But after Thor introduced a solution to magic’s “realism” (with the idea that it’s really super-science, and with things like the BiFrost Bridge having a futuristic-tech approach) and with Avengers introducing ALIENS as enemies, we’ve pretty much brought audiences fully into the comic book world.

“Extremis” gets very comic booky, very fast (SPOILERS AHEAD). If you haven’t read “Extremis,” Tony Stark gets an updated origin and his powers ramped up with a super virus that radically changes how he interacts with his suit, making him a technological super-man. With that in mind, this is a perfect time to bring Iron Man full circle and introduce the Mandarin. The longtime Iron Man arch-foe is the same person who releases a virus that leaves about 2-3% of it’s victims with a new version of the super-soldier serum.

The Mandarin

Yes yes yes: it’s been said by Marvel producers that “Iron Man 3 won’t have the Mandarin in it.” But perhaps the Mandarin won’t make an appearance as the character we know him as. The so-called “Ten Rings” has yet to come back, and a major virus related to weapons technology being unleashed on the world sounds like something up their alley.

Also don’t forget what I said about the virus: it’s an updated super-soldier serum. With audiences introduced to movie-Cap, it’s easy for Marvel to tie these plot points together and run with it. My prediction is that perhaps something will have been found leftover from Loki (or the crew of scientists he had under his spell) which will have alien tech or DNA that—when combined with the serum—will be weaponized into the Extremis virus.

To sum it up, Iron Man 3 will introduce a Tony Stark who, after having his body shut down and re-wired by a tech virus evolved from the super-soldier serum, will be able to directly interact with technology and call his armor to him, making it even more appealing to special-effect fans who need this sequel to one-up the last two movies. It will introduce a figurehead closely identical to the Mandarin or a reimagined version of him as an organization of 10 figureheads with their own powers. It will perhaps make use of Rhodey as War Machine (but I doubt anyone else) and—possibly—introduce a few minor Iron Man villains (like the Blizzard, Melter, Firebrand, and the like) as hired henchmen, and introduce higher concepts of science and space that will make it easier for audiences to digest Avengers 2′s use of cosmic conflict.

The post-credits scene will show how Tony’s latest adventure unravels something cosmic like a monolith or beacon that in some way introduces the Kree—an alien race that helps bring Captain Marvel and Ms. Marvel into the picture—or the Inhumans, a comic property Feige is highly interested in bringing to the Marvel Filmverse.

One last thought: since the Marvel Filmverse can’t use anything X-Men-related (due to licensing issues), could the Extremis virus somehow be used to “introduce” mutants into the Avengers’ shared universe, making it easy to introduce heroes and longtime Avengers characters like Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch, Namor, and more? Probably not, but just a thought.

Thor 2

Undoubtedly Thor 2 will try to hold onto what really worked for fans of the first movie—Thor kicking ass in the mystical realms—and what tethers Thor to the Marvel universe—adventures on Earth.

Because really, what ever did happen to the Glowstick of Destiny?

There’s two ideas I have about the plot.With the trophy room invaded in the first film, I’d assume there could be a story revolving around other stolen items, maybe fallen to Earth or stolen by Loki and left behind on Earth. Old Thor foes like the Wrecking Crew or the Absorbing Man (not Ang Lee’s Nick Nolte version!) could make an appearance this way. Or the stolen trophies/Cosmic Cube awakens a mythic foe/force/disaster that threatens Earth and Asgard.

Following this idea is Jane Foster’s character having some kind of importance (to keep her relevant), like perhaps her being possessed by the Enchantress or her research being key to stopping the enemies/disaster.

What this movie will offer is yet another way to transcend the typical movie-goer’s perception of what’s “too fantastical” for the current Marvel Filmverse, while a few Easter eggs—like possibly a post-credits scene where a SHIELD agent (like Wendell Vaughn to replace Coulsen) secures the Quantum Bands (that made Vaughn into Quasar)—could help introduce new characters and concepts for later movies.

Captain America 2

The last main Avenger to get his own movie, this movie will likely follow Cap trying to find himself. Even by the end of The Avengers, Cap really didn’t have that much time to experience the world. He shut himself off in that gym and then spent more time in the Hellicarrier than anywhere else. Having found a purpose again after personally laying his life on the line for the people he saved in Manhattan, he’ll still find the modern world overwhelming and disconcerting, but he’ll try harder to embrace it.

Sharon Carter = not what you were expecting.

Inevitably he’ll run into Peggy Carter’s descendent, Sharon, a longtime supporting character of his comic title. We can easily assume that by this time Marvel will want to have upped the stakes of their shared universe, and will have introduced an item or threat that bleeds over somehow into Cap 2, making it either the penultimate or ultimate story leading into an Avengers 2 crossover. My bet would be Cap further investigating the remains of Hydra (especially after finding SHIELD’s cargo full of very functional weaponry) and that leading him to a returned Red Skull, a returned Arnim Zola (now complete with robotic bod), a newly introduced Baron Zemo (and the Masters of Evil? and eventually Wonder Man?!?) or even the Winter Soldier (yes, Bucky fell off of a cliff to certain death—but any comic fan knows that if you don’t see a body, they ain’t dead… and even then, who knows?).

With Captain America being more of a “human” hero (in not owning an almighty hammer or awesome armor suit) it would be great to introduce an overwhelming threat that goes way over his head. This not only coincides with the theme of Cap being thrown into a new world he can’t get used to, but being forced to overcome outrageous odds and prove to himself he is a capable soldier no matter what challenge is what will prove to the audience he should have a bigger role as leader of the Avengers in the next Avengers film.

Captain America was partly a team film, with Cap’s reliance on his team of soldiers providing a much-needed supporting cast and people to compare Cap to. To show how different he is as the super soldier. Depending on the scope of this film, this would be a good time to introduce or reintroduce others he has to work with as a team, such as constant friend and rival Hawkeye, longtime partner Red Falcon (don’t say sidekick, he gets sensitive about the S-word) or even the Black Panther. Being able to lead not only other soldiers, but other heroes from different walks of life (and different countries) would be a great way to showcase Cap as the character we know and love while giving us the heroes we want to see.

A Sidebar with Louis Santiago: “I think a Winter Solider plot would work wonders for tying Cap into modern times. The way I see it, the Winter Soldier starts assassinating people, Cap gets assigned to the mission, plot twist revealed, drama happens, and then we find that the person controlling the Winter Soldier is Baron Zemo and his modern, super secret dying cell of Hydra. If it’s Zemo and then Enchantress (who I completely agree with for Thor 2, those are two of the essential ingredients for a Masters of Evil arc.”

Likely New Members With Their Own Movies:

Ant-Man

It’s no secret I’m not a huge fan of Hank Pym. It’s not only the fact that his character has been taken to a lot of dark places (like being a wife-beater and creating one of the Avengers’ worst foes), but I’m not a huge fan of his power-set. As Ant-Man he can shrink and talk flying ants into letting him get a free ride. As Giant Man or Goliath, he can grow big. As Yellow Jacket he can zap things, go small, and fly, making him a ripoff of his wife, the Wasp. Not exciting, to me.

But, there has been a movie in the works, being put together by Edgar Wright, with humorous elements, an origin story, and possibly his powers—and the plot—centering around nanotechnology.

If you haven’t seen this picture, tweeted by @edgarwright on May 5th, then feast your eyes on what he received in the mail that day. What is it? Evidence that at the very least, he’s serious about getting Ant-Man on film.

With this in mind, it’s clear that Wright and Feige want to keep an emphasis on Pym’s best asset: his intelligence. This will probably be a science experiment-gone-wrong script, centering around Pym trying to fix it, which makes me think we could possibly see The Wasp, Ultron or the Vision introduced, even if they aren’t exactly the way we know them in the comics… yet. Early interviews also indicated the use of Scott Lang, the second Ant-Man, who for some reason I like a whole lot more.

With a plot revolving around super-science and intellect, it’s possible that Marvel could be lining Hank Pym for an Iron Man-style revamp. That is to say, making him super cool in the movies the way Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Favreau did with Iron Man, and then making him more likeable for the public audience. Iron Man was at best a B-level hero until the movie catapulted him to the center of the public eye. All we have to do is see if Marvel, Feige, and Wright will finally finish a script (that’s been in development for about half a decade now) and fund a movie starring one of their lesser heroes.

Likely New Heroes to Get Their Own Movie:

The Inhumans

The Inhumans are one of Feige’s projects being pushed for development, although it seems an odd choice for the shared Marvel Filmverse. Almost always a Fantastic Four supporting cast, it will be interesting to see what a movie based entirely on the Inhumans would be like. This may be a way for Marvel to introduce other races, like the Kree, Eternals and Deviants, or even set the stage for a version of the Kree-Skrull War (a great way to show Thanos manipulating the galaxy-at-large).

The Hulk

After rave-reviews on Mark Ruffalo’s Bruce Banner and the Hulk’s ability to kick ass for half of a movie, I wouldn’t be surprised if current plans not to do a Hulk movie changed. With a Hulk who’s more in control and at home with himself, and a general public who seems him (at least somewhat) as a hero, this would be the perfect time to properly reintroduce The Leader, and give Banner and Hulk tons of gamma-irradiated enemies for him to fight. This could even include Banner’s cousin, She-Hulk, a previous member and longtime Avengers affiliate, Betty Ross changed into the Harpy, OR, a post-credits scene showing Betty and/or her father Thunderbolt Ross becoming the Red She-Hulk and Hulk respectively… But with the Hulk being reintroduced to TV soon, they may want to avoid a movie for the time being.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Feige has also mentioned wanting to do a Guardians of the Galaxy film, which would be the easiest way to introduce any space-faring hero or villain, and any concept of super-science and space. Star-Lord, Nova, Warlock and maybe even Rocket Raccoon could make an appearance, with some impending doom diverted by the end of the flick, but still looming. This could directly lead to Avengers 2, with one or a few members of the team showing up to help combat the mighty Titan Eternal.

Wishful Thinking

Louis wants an “Agents of SHIELD” movie, and while that would be a blast, I doubt Marvel would bankroll a movie starring the heroic equivalent of the “anonymous henchmen” archetype, even if we had Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlet Johannsen, and Jeremy Renner reprising their roles, UNLESS Marvel takes the “Ultimate” route, and introduces key popular heroes as SHIELD agents. This could also be a great way to introduce the aforementioned Red Falcon, Wendell Vaughn/Quasar, Quicksilver, and Scarlet Witch as a rough team thrown together in the absence of the bigger superheroes.

Luke Cage. And, yes, tigers.

The Black Panther and Luke Cage have also been in the rumored ranks of comic movie throughout the last decade, with past rumors including the likes of John Singleton as director and a host of the top Black Hollywood actors as the heroes. With Luke Cage-love and fellow hero Jessica Jones getting her own TV show developed, it’s unlikely Cage will ever get a movie (unless Marvel connects their Filmverse to a newly establish TV-verse) but getting a proper Black Panther film would be awesome.

In Avengers 2

For those who worried that Thanos was revealed too soon, or it being hard to neatly insert him into the Filmverse continuity, I wouldn’t worry too much. As I’ve said above, Marvel has a lot of time to use the plots, cameos and easter eggs of the other movies to make it easier to gradually introduce him to the general movie-goer. And if we can believe in Norse Gods and alien conquerors, it’ll be easy to understand or believe Thanos is an immortal, evil demi-god, especially with a Guardians of the Galaxy film.

This film either has to be the start of a bigger war in space, like the Kree-Skrull War, one that pushes our heroes to new places as much as we the audience. Avengers director Joss Whedon has stated that he would like to make the second film less focused on action set-pieces and more on making it “personal.” A film set in space could certain give him the same magic he had with Firefly, giving audiences action filled with beautiful space battles, but ever driven by character development and dark moments, with a touch of humor to keep things from being bleak.

This movie could also push our heroes even further in questioning who they are, why they’re needed, and what will happen afterwards… With the remaining movies leading to the end of the Avengers “Trilogy” and the Marvel Filmverse storyarcs, Feige and the directors and writers may decide to explore unusual territory, perhaps leaving a hero stranded in space or completely displaced in an unfamiliar setting, and allow that hero’s solo film to start off from where Avengers 2 left off.

The Celestials

Assuming Fox still owns the rights, it’d also be interesting to see what could be in store for the heroes in the final leg of the race since Galactus is the only majorly powerful “villain” to graduate to from Thanos. If Marvel wants to try something new, they could attempt an extinction-level event with the coming of the Celestials, god-like beings who are even a force for Galactus to contend with, creating a movie that gives a sense of hopelessness for a group of heroes who—at this point—will have no peer in the universe. This would make it really personal for each character, making an emphasis on relationships, mortality, and courage, themes that resonate well with a “last stand” plot. If that’s too cosmic for your tastes, the movies may decide to forego space altogether, creating a devastating challenge on Earth that keeps the heroes grounded and as “personal” as ever [Perhaps a Civil War or sumthin'? -Smilin' Louis].

A Sidebar with the Gentleman Monster: “Oddly, I’d like to see Civil War turned into a future Avengers film despite my distaste for the Civil War comic. I just really dug the dynamic between RDJ’s Iron Man and Chris Evans’ Captain America.  The tension between them during their arguments was so perfect for a Civil War film. It was great seeing them overcome their differences so they could work together, but I’d love to see a movie that was mostly the two of them arguing. If Whedon worked on the Civil War movie, we’d get more of the fantastic character interactions under duress that made the scenes of the Avengers arguing so damn great, but the drama would be higher. We’d also get to see Hawkeye argue with Captain America. If there is one thing I need more of in the next Avengers movie, it’s Cap and Hawkeye arguing.”

Whatever the case may be, Marvel has outdone itself so far in bringing together a project whose scope has not only succeeded, but set the bar for superhero movies to come. Hopefully we won’t have to wait too long for more details, but until then, all we have our own wishes, hopes, and theories.

Please enjoy!

Best Moms!

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Sue Storm

Special Mom Trait:

Support

From: Marvel Comics: Fantastic Four

Not Jessica Alba… No, Sue Storm in the comics has always been the motherly type, whether it be in grounding her rocket scientist husband, bringing light to the Thing’s grim days, or keeping her younger brother out of trouble.

When she had her son Franklin, it was no surprise she took to the role naturally, being a loving, capable, supporting, protective mother. Now a mother of two and still facing the wondrous, the insane, the cosmic, Invisible Woman continues to set the bar for what it means to be a superhero mom.

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Sarah Conner

Special Mom Trait:

Sacrifice

From: Terminator

Sarah Conner has learned a lot in her time. Especially about survival. It’s hard to raise a son, especially when trying to protect him from a killer robot from the future.

If there’s one word that Sarah embodies as a mother, it’s sacrifice. Once she finds out the truth about the future, she spends all of her waking moments preparing for the apocalyptic road ahead, by training her son to be a leader, capable of survival, and capable of adapting. Even in death she was thinking three steps ahead, leaving John Conner an arsenal of weapons to rely on in his fight against Skynet.

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Piper Halliwell

Special Mom Trait:

Responsibility

From: Charmed

One of the Charmed Ones, Piper has been the heart and soul of her sisters from day one. After the death of their sister Prue, Piper became even more of a leader, stepping up to take even more responsibility over her newly discovered sister, Paige, and her remaining sister, Phoebe.

After dozens of dangerous encounters with demons and monsters and more, even a witch wants a family, leading to her having a son. And with even more responsibility on her shoulders, Piper never, ever caves in to pressure, instead choosing to face obstacles head on and maintain the well-being of the Halliwell family.

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Lois Griffin

Special Mom Trait:

Adoration

From: Family Guy

Lois had it all—riches, beauty, smarts. And yet, at the end of the day, she fell in love with a fat, clueless, yet adorable idiot and settled down to have a normal suburban family. Of course this sounds like the ultimate nerd fantasy: but it’s also the ultimate fantasy about love. Loving a guy no matter how dumb and unattractive he is because he makes you laugh is a remarkable thing for someone who could probably have her pick of models and upper class socialites.

And to raise a somewhat dimwitted son, an unlikeable daughter (poor Meg), and a genius toddler—whose murderous intent is overlooked by her unconditional love—well, that takes a certain kind of adoration.

Plus she can kick MAJOR ass. Don’t mess with her when she’s angry.

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Joyce Summers

Special Mom Trait:

Acceptance

From: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Going through divorce isn’t easy. Finding out your daughter is the chosen hero against a world full of vampires, demons, and ghosts (oh my!) couldn’t have been that much better.

But Joyce Summers swallowed that pill and soldiered on, becoming a crucial pillar of strength not only for her two daughters, but for the whole “Scooby Gang.” It is her ability to look past the impossible and give support in situations she can’t even comprehend that make her an invaluable asset in the war against darkness.

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Elastigirl

Special Mom Trait:

Elasticity

From: The Incredibles

Like a certain other mom on this list who Helen Parr undoubtedly borrows some traits from, she is the heart and soul of her family, even when life is far from incredible. Even when her family struggles from the drudgery of a mundane, ordinary life, she finds a way to adapt, to survive, if even for one more day, just to maintain the safety of her family.

Even with numerous obstacles in her way, uncertainty everywhere, and death staring her in the face, she pulls herself together and pushes for her family to come together and work as a team, as a unit. And no matter what trials they face, the Parr family can always rely on Mom to keep her head on straight and get them to where they need to be, physically and mentally.

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Aunt May

Special Mom Trait:

Kindness

From: Marvel Comics: Spider-Man

The world can be a cruel place for children. Especially for children who have lost their parents, as Peter Parker did (which I’m sure you know). What you may not have known: May Parker initially wanted nothing to do with young Peter. Reliving the emotional turmoil of her youth, May thought the boy would destroy her marriage the way her parents blamed her for their unhappiness. But she couldn’t look the poor, orphaned child in the eyes and turn him away.

Her husband’s murder, attempts made at her own life, her dwindling finances, her nephew’s double-life, her failing health: this could have made her a very bitter woman. But through it all, May Parker smiled and made it through to another day, if only to encourage her nephew, her son, that he had more to worry about than his dear ol’ aunt. Since the day she took him in, May has fought every day to keep a smile on Peter’s face—to remind him (a hero who faces guilt and public hate on a daily basis) to take it all in stride, to smile, and keep on swinging.

(A special nod of appreciation to Rosemary Harris’ portrayal of Aunt May—a real example of unending kindness and love).

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Debbie Grayson

Special Mom Trait:

Endurance

From: Image Comics: Invincible

Debbie Grayson used to have a great life. Married to a rich novelist and the world’s greatest superhero, and mother of a smart, handsome son, she was grateful, she was happy, she was in love. And then it all went away.

Her marriage was a sham, an illusion with a man who wasn’t at all what she thought he was. Her son faced death everyday, taking on the worst supervillians, alien tyrants, and other would-be world-conquerors toe-to-toe, blow-for-blow. She was left without a source of income, leaving her, for once in her life, financially unstable. Plus the absence of her husband and her son left a void in her heart that literally drove her to drink.

And yet, while she struggled mentally and emotionally, she gradually pulled herself up, pushing herself to remain strong even when later, more harrowing events threatened to pull her down again. She is a shining example of fortitude, taking the worst life has to offer and still staying sane, supportive, and loving.

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Stephanie Powell

Special Mom Trait:

Balance

From: ABC/Netflix: No Ordinary Family

There was a time when Stephanie Powell couldn’t figure out what she was first: a successful, brilliant scientist or a failing, negligent wife and mother. Finding it hard to balance what felt like the lives of two different women, Stephanie assumed that getting superhuman speed as a power would solve the issue of prioritizing. If you were fast enough to do everything, you could be everywhere and do everything, after all.

But that so-called revelation was short-lived when she had to face superhuman criminals, a growing conspiracy regarding her work, a superhuman vigilante husband unable to keep himself out of danger, and two teenagers with superpowers and adolescent issues.

With the advent of her speed powers, she actually learned to slow down and take time to really digest what it means to be a mom—which involved listening to her family, finding out what made them tick, and keeping them stable when things got out of whack. It’s her balance of two lives that reminds her that every parent must be more than just a wife, a mother, and a provider; it has to be a little of all—sometimes more of one than the other—ever changing to fit the role her family needs most. And with her at their center, the Powell’s are more than ready to face disasters, fatal futures, superhuman killers, and a twisting web of lies, and still make it home in time for a good family dinner.

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Sindel

Special Mom Trait:

Strength

From: Mortal Kombat

Some may judge her by her later misdeeds, but not many know her past. Facing the possible invasion of her world, Sindel stood by her husband, the king, and their young daughter, Kitana, even as their defenses dropped and Shao Kahn ravaged Edenia. Never once did she falter from her hope and faith, not even when Shao Kahn defeated and killed her love, Jerrod. Facing a dictator, a tyrant, a killer, she had two choices—marry him, give up Edenia, and be his trophy, or else. She chose the latter.

Sacrificing herself was a two-fold act that had little to do with escape. Sindel’s suicide enforced a spell that ensured Shao Kahn would never be able to merge the realms, and also it served to spite him that she’d rather face death’s cold embrace than his warm one.

It was her strength that kept Shao Kahn at bay for a time, and her strength that forced him to have her the only way he’d ever be allowed: to have her resurrected as his undead puppet queen, made into a loyal servant and wife. But even in this unholy act did her strength and love save her when her adult daughter Kitana was able to convince her of her past and stir her rebellious nature to fight. Sindel has faced death, faced pain, and faced the unrelenting will of a conquering demi-god, and still she never faltered or gave in. She is an example of what a woman can do when pushed to their breaking point, of the character a Queen would need to protect her subjects, and of the strength a mother must have to protect her young.

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Worst Moms!

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Mystique

Special Mom Trait:

Abandonment

From: Marvel Comics: X-Men

Sexy. Dangerous. Manipulative. Nurturing. Three of those words describe Mystique, one doesn’t.

In her long lifespan, Mystique has given birth to two children. One, a human she mothered with the murderous psychopath Sabretooth, she deemed not worth her time: he grew up to be one of the most dangerous mutant-hating political leaders of all time. The other, an obvious mutant from birth, she admittedly abandoned for his safety, but never returned to to see if he lived, never searched to see if he had proper care. The poor, conflicted soul thankfully found refuge in a circus where freaks could be accepted, and found salvation in the pages of the Bible, which taught love for all… even demonic looking men like himself.

Later she raised an emotionally tortured foster-daughter, only to use her time and again for her own goals, robbing the young teenager of the childhood innocence she was desperately searching for. In her wisest decision yet, she chose—after a major mentally damaging experience for the young girl—to leave the teen with one of her sworn enemies.

For a woman so adept at mimicking others, she never learned how to play the role of a mother, which may earn her a role as a “best” mom… if only because she kept her children as far away from herself as possible, ensuring they wouldn’t be anymore screwed in the head than they already were.

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Talia

Special Mom Trait:

Endangerment

From: DC Comics: Batman

The daughter of the Demon, Talia al Ghul may not have had the best parent around to show her what it means to be a mother. With a terrorist father and a possibly sociopathic vigilante lover, it’s almost understandable that Talia found herself at odds when she’d given birth to a baby boy.

Although at first wisely giving the boy up for adoption to give him a normal life, Talia decided to throw caution to the wind and steal him back, raising him to be a killer in her League of Assassins. In the course of a few events, her young son repeatedly found himself in dangerous environments, facing enemies perhaps a little more dangerous than he believed he was… enough that he had to have all of his major organs replaced after a particularly damaging explosion.

Talia may have the intellect, the grace, and the beauty, but her maternal instinct is a little warped.

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Granny Goodness

Special Mom Trait:

Tough Love

From: DC Comics: Jack Kirby’s New Gods/Fourth World

While she may not be anyone’s real mother, let alone “granny,” she sure as hell is the closest thing to a guardian that anyone on the planet Apokalips has. But this doesn’t stop her from treating each child she encounters as a soldier, ready to be put through the gauntlet at a moment’s notice to prove their worth.

She is incapable of mercy; she is incapable of love. Her only concern is your worth to her, and the only way to prove one’s worth is to survive. The only kindness Granny Goodness shows is sending the young defeated souls of her camps to an early grave.

___________________________

Sally Jupiter

Special Mom Trait:

Fulfillment

From: DC Comics: Watchmen

You’ve all seen a commercial of Toddlers & Tiaras, or, god forbid, an episode. Sally Jupiter is the epitome of the Pangeant Mom, living her life through her daughter, trying to recapture her glory and sex appeal in someone who wanted as much to do with the superhero life as Mother Teresa (although there are rumors the saintly woman occasionally masqueraded as a gun-toting vigilante on weekends).

Having a host of emotional hang-ups from lovers who either verbally or sexually abused her, Sally Jupiter was a woman struggling to find her identity by crafting her daughter into it. The only redeeming factor in this is that she taught her enough to make for a pretty good hero—one who played a small role in attempting to save the world. Hey, at least she tried.

___________________________

Chi-Chi

Special Mom Trait:

Prioritizing

From: Dragon Ball Z

Seriously, the world is set to be destroyed by mystical or alien threats once a week, with only a handful of barely-capable fighters to protect it. And instead of encouraging her son, at once the strongest person on Earth, to be a hero like his dad and ready to save their victimized planet, she nags at him to study.

Education is important, don’t get me wrong: but the kid can fly as fast at the speed of sound (or faster), lives in a forest, and faces the end of the world every three hours. Cut ‘em a little slack, would you?

Jeez.

___________________________

Malory Archer

Special Mom Trait:

Selfishness

From: FX/Netflix: Archer

Although we love Malory Archer, we know that any love she gives anyone comes with a price: expect any kind of gift to come with a favor behind it, expect any kind of kindness as a double-edged sword to be used against you in the future.

It is these traits that make a good spy: and despite the failures of ISIS, Malory Archer is quite good at the espionage game. What she isn’t good at is raising a son. Malory uses the same deceit she uses on her enemies and allies on her son and his colleagues, giving him a host of emotional issues and egotistic traits that have made him an occasionally successful agent, and occasionally lucky-to-be-alive agent. But despite entrusting her butler with her son’s care taking, some merit must be given to Malory; as self-centered as she is, at the end of the day, she usually cares very deeply for her son, and would do anything in her power to save him.

And then later hold it against him.

___________________________

Mami

Special Mom Trait:

Negligence

From: Nickelodeon/Nick Jr.: Dora the Explorer

Everyone may have expected the mothers of Pokemon to make an appearance here, but no, this spot goes to Dora’s mother, “Mami.” Sure, Ash and countless other children have been sent to hell and back all for the sake of some silly dogfight tournament with unbelievably adorable monsters, but for the most part, they live in a pretty nice world, where people “faint” when hurt, and where there are friendly eyes everywhere. The criminals are so laughably incompetent that police must feel too sorry to actually jail them.

Yet, everyday, Dora the Explorer, and later Diego, are sent to the wilds of the forest. The forest. Do you know how fricking dangerous that place is? At least in Pokemon you can potentially catch and master a dangerous foe. In a rain forest populated by the most dangerous, poisonous snakes, insects, frogs and amphibians, the only thing you’re likely to catch is a disease. Not to mention that she’s stalked day and night by what could be a kleptomaniac fox. And while it’s cute to meet these kiddie tigers and jaguars and other predator animals, one of these days that girl is going to meet a Momma Bear that’s ready to slice and dice her like grated cheese.

And you know what that means en espanol? A Dora Subway Footlong, that’s what. Someone call ACS on Mami, please.

In many ways The Avengers is both every action movie you’ve ever seen, and in many ways its the first of its kind. Like many action movies, it’s a bit thin on plot–and this film once again was just a stall for the next (the villain is revealed to be Darkseid Thanos)–but there’s never been a truly superhero team-up movie like this. In animation, sure, but live action, with the kind of budget and a six year slow burn of anticipation and presumed mapped out story that would cover about nine features altogether. A lot has been built up into this, and it largely lived up to the hype. But what really sells it is the character work. In between massive action scenes is Joss Whedon’s great eye for poppy dialogue and character beats. We’ll take each character starting with Captain America/Steve Rogers.

Cap is still in a pretty bad way, transplanted decades and having lost all of his friends and his true love to time, and, hell, I’d be mad too if I was a virgin in my seventies, but that’s neither here nor there. The world he’s in now is vaguely familiar at best, and it’s played well here. He’s not only lost on pop culture and technology, but almost everyone seems to revere him as some kind of deity. His simplicity is almost quaint in this world of complexity; even his patois and black-and-white way of thinking (he couldn’t even fathom the idea of Nick Fury and SHIELD having ulterior interests) is just out of date. However, there are some things that just never go out of style. His Loki/Hitler comparison rang true, as did his dialogue with Nick Fury. I can’t quote it word for word (it’s 4:54AM as I write this), but it’s to the effect of:

Nick Fury: “That’s kind of old fashioned.”
Steve Rogers: “Considering how complicated things are these days, don’t you think a little old fashioned would be good?”

Now, if only my beloved GOP would use that as a slogan, give God a rest, and stay out of other people’s bedrooms we just might be able to get our stuff together. Or better yet, go the Libertarian route and let’s put Gary Johnson and James Gray in the White House.

Sorry about the tangent.

Moving on to Iron Man, we finally get some serious character beats, along with the usual spastic behavior. (In a perfect world, DC would be able to draft him and Bucky Barnes over. It would be worth it for his interactions with Batman, Superman, Guy Gardner and Hal Jordan alone.) Cap really takes Stark to task for his narcissism and combined with the sudden death of Phil Coulson, Stark really takes it on the chin and we get to see if he’s capable of making the “big sacrifice” as Cap put it.

Black Widow, introduced in the bloated and meandering Iron Man 2, gets a great deal of development among moments of violence and tasteful shots of her ass. Her mind is structured and organized, she’s cold (which is good for Scarlett Johansson’s range) but has deep seated regrets and a desire for some kind of redemption. On top of that we get to understand just what a great spy she is from her out-flanking Bruce Banner and her deceiving of Loki (a real nifty trick considering, you know, he’s Loki).

Thor, meanwhile, has grown up in some way. He’s not nearly as brash or indignant; he’s fighting for humanity, while being genuinely hurt that his brother has repeatedly betrayed him and still hoping against hope for some kind of happy family reunion.

Plot wise, something I really appreciated was the idea of a council that oversees SHIELD, and when you think of someone that could give Samuel L. Jackson shit and seem like a legitimate threat, it’s Powers Boothe. It’s also a great idea to have some oversight on, you know, a guy who has a giant invisible flying aircraft carrier and was in possession of an incredibly powerful weapon that even demi-gods frown at. I also appreciated that even though human beings were considered low-threat, our weapons—bullets, nukes—proved to be effective. Unfortunately, that’s at the expense of the Chitauri army. More on the negatives later.

The Eddie Flowchart

Finally, we come to Nick Fury. What makes him really come to life as a war general is his constant ability to adapt. If we can’t arm ourselves accordingly, let’s do something loud and blast a shot across the universe’s bow. That’ll learn ‘em. He’s a master manipulator and strategist, and incredibly resilient, navigating a moral gray zone that’s full of drunken billionaires, armchair warriors, unstable doctors, demi-gods, and an ice cold spy with an ass that won’t quit and tits that’ll leave you begging for buttermilk. In the middle of all of this, he’s calm, he’s self-assured, he’s unwavering. He’s the Nick Fury we’ve seen hinted at since 2008 in full view. He lived up to the Sam Jackson legend.While the free-for-all of Iron Man, Hulk, Captain America, and Thor fighting each other seems to pad out the story and provide a necessary fan-wank, these two confrontations manage to still show us a great deal about these characters—how they react to situations and how they react to each other—and is all part of feeding you action and a little bit of character work as well.

The high point of the film is the scene in the lab where Loki’s pimp cane starts to effect the Avengers and they not only start arguing and talking over each other, but they start to chronically tell the truth. What follows is some sad truths and human weakness; something Whedon is a master at capturing and expressing.

Now, this isn’t a perfect movie. As I said, the plot is thin and its villain is awful, which is a shame because Tom Hiddleston plays Loki with such zeal and hidden layers of complexity that almost came out a few times here and in Thor.

For some reason, Loki has an army and they can be taken down by some asshole with a bow and arrow. We learn almost immediately that Loki now works for some higher beings (the Other, played by Alexis Denisof), and Loki himself is repeatedly outsmarted or beaten up by Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Cap, Hawkeye, Phil Coulson, and Black Widow. Hell, some old German guy doesn’t even worry much about him. So if he’s getting his butt kicked constantly, how are we supposed to take him as a serious threat? If Thor was about to beat him in his movie, would Loki really have much more luck against a team of people who won’t go easy on him because they grew up together?

Since Loki doesn’t work as a villain, The Avengers falls into the same trap as all of Marvel’s other movies (minus The Incredible Hulk, X-Men First Class and the first half of Iron Man): a total lack of suspense. At no point do you ever really feel that the world is coming to an end. The pieces and exposition and the odds are all laid out for you but it just doesn’t add up to anything. At no point do you feel a sense of foreboding, of something impending. It’s the Iron Man 2 syndrome, where there’s a lot going on, but it’s nothing of substance. No sense of danger. The Dark Knight Rises trailer is a good example. As much as I dislike the movies as well as Nolan’s pomposity, the trailer looks like some shit is about to go down. Between the music and the voice overs and the pale sky of Gotham, it makes you really wonder if Batman might actually die this time around. And that’s the problem with Marvel’s movies. There’s a little too much camp, a little too much fun and not enough of the heavy stuff to ground it.

“Durrr.”

Now that I mentioned him, the floodgate is open. Hawkeye. No, not my nickname for Stevie Wonder, but Clint Barton. He runs around shooting at people with a bow and arrow. The world is coming to an end and he’s running around with a bow and arrow. He’s a ripoff of Green Arrow who is a ripoff of Batman and Robin Hood. Fuck him and his Chris Jericho haircut.

While we’re on the topic of shit characters that add nothing to the movie—the Hulk makes an appearance. Good god, what a waste this guy is. He’s a brute who hits things indiscriminately. The only thing incredible about him is the fact he has a fanbase and has had longevity in the industry. It’s a real shame because Bruce Banner—and the germ of the idea—is pretty interesting. Banner repeatedly refers to the Hulk as “the other guy” who has messed up his life; this seemingly malignant entity that’s ruined his life and keeps him from banging Jennifer Connelly/Liv Tyler. Instead of a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing, the character is a one-note barbarian. The Incredible Hulk managed—thanks in large part to Edward Norton—to make the Bruce Banner character more at the forefront; make it more about the tragedy of one man’s life who must live with and eventually use this monster. Whedon and Penn do their best and Ruffalo is admirable as Banner—the revelation about his suicide attempt was a strong, sad, understated moment that the film has plenty of—but it doesn’t change the fact that whenever he goes full retard and becomes imbued with his requisite retard strength, the tragedy of Bruce Banner ends and the slapstick awfulness of Hulk begins.

That cellist sounded like a bitch, anyway.

So, as an audience experience the death of Agent Coulson was a bit of a wake up call and gave the proceedings a much needed sense of urgency. Coulson, thankfully, managed to go out on a note that was both snarky and prescient. It was his unfinished thought that gave Fury the idea and means to manipulate the team to work together.I understand that killing Phil Coulson would resonate with the audience. He’s a fun character that we’ve gotten used to seeing, we’ve gotten used to his snark. However, Zak Penn and Joss Whedon wanted to use his death as a way for the Avengers to come together. The problem is, Coulson never really had a relationship with these people. Stark always treated him like a case of the clap, when he met Thor briefly in, well, Thor, they weren’t friendly, and he only met Cap a few hours before he died. Cap even seemed a little creeped out by his fanboyism. I’m willing to let the Cap thing go because Fury wisely pulled at his heartstrings a bit, and Cap’s really a nice guy so there’s that. Meanwhile, I still don’t think he ever shared much screentime with Jericho or Widow, so it’s not like this is really going to resonate so much with the characters as it would with the audience.

Here’s a list of smaller complaints. Some of them are nit-picks.

1) Considering the speed of the glider, Black Widow’s arm should have been torn off when she grabbed on.

2) Coulson is wearing a Rolex watch with a President bracelet. That bracelet is used only on their gold or Platinum pieces, which in mens size start at about $30,000. A scene later, it’s now an Oyster bracelet, used on their stainless steel or steel and gold pieces. It certainly is never used on their white-gold or platinum pieces.  It’s a moot point, I guess; he went back to the President bracelet in the next scene anyway.

3) Good thing Banner fell within driving distance of New York. He must have taken Plot Convenience Road on the way to I-90.

4) When Widow manages to get the info out of Loki, she talks into her earpiece, presumably to Fury. However, when we next see Fury he has no idea that Widow got him to talk. Who was she talking to if not Fury?

5) You can undo brainwashing by getting hit in the head.

6) Widow really beat Hawkeye pretty savagely. He doesn’t have a bump, bruise or scrape.

7) Gwyneth Paltrow.

8) The air-base is taking off, eventually in the air. Considering the altitude, it’s sensible that the outside workers are wearing oxygen masks. However, their jackets are windbreakers despite the fact it’d be incredible cold and windy, nor are they wearing protective footwear that would help them walk on the surface to keep them from blowing away. You know. Because of the wind.

Son of a bitch, it’s raining again.

The only villain he can’t beat is baldness.

I said before that you’ll notice a film’s soundtrack either when it’s really good or really bad. In this case, It’s exceptionally good. From the classical interludes to the AC/DC (I personally don’t care for them but I appreciate the nod to continuity), to shutting off the ambient noise and letting the music play over the battles, to those sad near-tragedies and close-up character moments, the soundtrack is perfect for every moment.I know that this sounds like chest pounding of a DC Comics fanboy, but it’s not like I’m actually finished praising what the film got right. From small things like Tony’s drinking to his thinking three moves ahead, to Cap actually using a gun, to Thor’s reluctance to torture/question his brother even after everything that’s transpired between the two, to Banner’s immediate fear about hurting innocent people after he’s calmed down, it’s those minor character beats that turn these characters into people; flawed and good.

Finally, we come to the directed action. A pretty important factor in an action movie. Again, like the soundtrack, it’s perfect. Kinetic and speedy yet easily discernible. It’s up close and smash-mouth but at no point are you every questioning what it is that you’re seeing. It’s really no surprise. Whedon cut his teeth on these vast battles on Buffy and the under-appreciated Angel, but it was nice to see him really cut loose here with an ample budget. Whedon has had experiences in dealing with ensemble casts of divergent and antithetical personalities. For a job like this, he’s the perfect man for the job; if it was almost anybody else, this very well could have been a disappointment.

The question this comes down to is: Was it worth the wait? Honestly, I can’t answer that exactly. As a casual viewer, I greatly enjoyed it. I imagine that the invested viewer/Marvel reader will either treat it as the word of God or as something to nit-pick to death until Avengers 2… like every other comic book fan over every comic book movie.

Just like me and Batman.

It’s stopped raining. Again.

The Avengers: 4 out of 5.

What you have found, instead, is an attempt to argue why The Avengers is the best comic book movie I’ve ever seen.

My Reasoning, Assemble!

It’s at Once the Very First of Its Kind and a Brand New Standard - One of the reasons why I was more excited for The Avengers than any of the top notch superhero movies we’re getting this year is because beyond all of them, The Avengers was the only one that attempted something completely new. And I’m not talking, “Oh, so Spider-Man’s all serious instead!? Wow!” because it wasn’t something as simple as a change in tone or even the introduction of a new character. No, this is the very first superhero movie of its kind.

Not a team movie (because, ya know, we had Fantastic Four and all 18 X-Men movies). No, this movie was the very first crossover; the Avengers are a team, but they’re all awesome solo acts combined into a single unit. They’re all huge personalities that would’ve immediately overpowered most writers.

But, despite Tony Stark’s indomitable charm, Joss Whedon was able to deliver a movie that highlighted all of the characters so well that none of them fell especially far behind. There was no forgetting that Captain America was there or wondering what ever happened to Black Widow. And that translated to there not being a moment when you wondered, “Why is that person an Avenger?” or even the all important, “Who is that person anyway?”

And in that way, this insane gamble was incredibly successful, dropping a kind of terrifying new standard that I worry won’t be topped by The Avengers 2 (or anything else) for a long time.

It Watched Exactly Like What It Was—A Summer Crossover Comic Event - In Marvel’s model for superhero movies, the individual heroes’ features act as full story arcs for their individual titles. But The Avengers acts as the large-scale summer crossover event. In that way, the movies follow the general mold of a comics season. Now, those crossover events are supposed to be epic free-for-all’s with high stakes (i.e. New York gets destroyed [like every time]).

Well, The Avengers more than delivers. It has high stakes—with aliens threatening to take over the world—great action scenes, enthralling fight scenes, the whole New York getting destroyed thing, the sense that (at the very least) the Avengers are having a hard time keeping everything contained and the fight going, the sheer awesomeness of seeing your favorite characters in the same place, working towards the same goal). Watching the final act is particularly like reading a double length final issue for a crossover (differing only in the way that it’s more insane and epic than such issues usually are [probably due to its lack of advertisements for 13 other books at the end]).

Yeah, you can pretty much take this, make it live action, and then turn up the awesome dial to “UltraMAXX” for everything and you’d get The Avengers.

So in the end, it does exactly what it was meant to do in relation to the movies that came before it.

And so, it was definitely not disappointing and well worth the… what? Four? Five movie build up?

It Was True to the Source Material in the Best Ways - While other superhero movies always manage to get something terribly wrong (i.e. all of Green Lantern), The Avengers goes out of its way to make everything right. But like… more… everything right; I’m talking super subtle nuances that almost no one would notice that just highlight how much care was taken with it. Okay, the best way to explain it:

• When Steve Rogers is reintroduced, the gym he’s working out in looks like it could’ve been a set from Captain America (it even has black and white cut-outs of old boxers on the walls).
• When Thor is reintroduced, he lands on a hillside that looks a lot like Yodenheim (the world of the Frost Giants as it looked in Thor). To boot, a pair of crows fly by (once when Thor lands, and again in a wide shot of the landscape moments later); and these crows are Huginn and Muninn, or “thought” and “memory” / “mind.” No characters mention it or even notice, but they were put there to say “Odin is watching” in a really awesome way.
• The Avengers fight among themselves so often that you could almost say their villain for this movie was also the Avengers. And that, of course, is exactly like them; I (like any fan of the comics) was worried that they wouldn’t fight at all (which would just be silly), but of course, Joss Whedon delivered.
• Bruce Banner often had purple in his wardrobe, although never his pants (because really).

I would go on, but I’d start getting into spoiler territory and I refuse. The point is, it’s hard enough to get it right with a single character. Yet The Avengers manages with six heroes and two and a half hours.

No One Shouted “Avengers Assemble!” - And, seriously, thank God. I love the Avengers, I really do, and I even like that line, but I was worried about the inevitable quaintness of it souring up a scene and tipping the scales right into All of This Is Really Silly Land, but that never happened. So, to the people who are upset about this, I’m sorry, but seriously, phew.

There’s Just No Serious Red Flag - As my last point, I just have to say that there’s always a red flag—in every super hero movie. Whether it’s excessive shaky cam, a terrible, terrible third act, a completely unnecessary forth act, or the occasional face-palm inducing musical number, there’s always something (at least for me) that makes me say, “It wasn’t really amazing.” Unless, ya know, I’m still unconscious from that musical number.

I don’t have that with The Avengers.

I mean, despite rumors roused by this picture, the Hulk did not have a musical number… But actually, ya know, even if he did… Kidding!

I do have a list of issues with the movie, but most of them are from friends, not me. I definitely can’t say you won’t find any flaws on your watch, but I can say I didn’t… and remind you that the next part of this review’s all about the flaws you may find.

I know this won’t matter to anyone who doesn’t care about comics, but it’s my only real gripe with The Avengers (from a guy who’d be first in line for an Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. movie).

And Now For Some Nit Picking

Not Enough Actual Hawkeye - If you know anything about Hawkeye, you know that there was potential for a lot of great character moments with him. Of course, you probably also know that Whedon’s take on Hawkeye hearkens to his beginnings with the Avengers in Marvel continuity.

Of course, if you didn’t know that, you probably also don’t know that he’s actually a great character. Or that if he had [really] been there from the start, many of his moments would’ve infringed on the sarcastic humor Tony Stark wielded so well (think back to Thor and “Want me to slow him down, sir? Or are you sending in more guys for him to beat up?” for an idea of what I mean).

All of this is to say I totally understand why he was portrayed as he was and I honestly don’t consider it a flaw.

But I did want to take this opportunity to express my excitement for the inevitable arguments between Hawkeye and Captain America in the sequel (because saving a bunch of people from drowning is always the best time to make your case to Captain America that you should be leading the team instead of him).

A Case-a the Long Expositions - At least among my friends, it’s pretty well accepted that the movie started off slowly. I would say, “There was both an action scene and Maria Hill,” but I understand that that action scene wasn’t as super-powered as many would’ve wanted and that Maria Hill isn’t exactly a huge incentive for someone who hasn’t had a major crush on her since forever.

About the scenes after the intro and before the action picks up, I thought it was all well written, interesting, and completely essential for the character building that everyone really enjoyed, but, be warned, lots of people (that I know) were kinda “meh” about it.

And Uh… <Clears Throat> the Uh… … <Tries—Really, Really Tries—to Come Up With a Third Thing> - Uh… Ah hell; there is no third thing.

The Final Word

I honestly can’t think of a reason why you shouldn’t go see The Avengers. Wait! Yes I can; don’t go see The Avengers if you’re determined to hate it… Nope. Cause even the people I expected to hate it liked it.

Okay. Don’t go see it if you’re a hardcore DC… … No. Dammit. Even the really irrational, Marvel-hating DC fanboys that I know still liked it… Dammit!

Don’t go see it… if you like fun.

Or if you really, really prefer to hate things instead of liking them.

Or if you’re going to sit down and expect a complete revelation from every last theme of the movie (I’m sorry, but this just really isn’t the place to expect a revolution in cinema [so seriously, if you are expecting that, get a ticket for The King's Speech on your couch, by yourself, ya butt]).

And to anyone else, seriously, see The Avengers this weekend, before the spoiler tide takes you!